i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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