Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
