I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
