I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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