I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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