I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize