sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All the doctor said was why
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
