I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
