I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i think my cat just said my name.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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