his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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