i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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