is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
