u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
