what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize