You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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