also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
