update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
