matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize