i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
