I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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