You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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