Banned from zoo.
Again?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
