Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
