is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
