I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
