Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
