I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
