party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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