My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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