Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
