you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
