Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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