NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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