It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
