i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
