I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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