I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
