apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
