This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
