What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
