its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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