There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
