I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My hand turned me down
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
