I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
