I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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