OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There are leaves in my underwear?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
