I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
