I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
