saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
