why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
