doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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