mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Randomize
