I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
