i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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