I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
