Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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