he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
