Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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