Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
