Why are handjobs necessary in class?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
