she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
